Why is the personal problematic?

"We find that writing teachers have been as much or more interested in who they want their students to be as in what they want their students to write" (Faigley 396).

Throughout SI, I have been struggling to put my finger on why I find some types of writing super difficult.  Not that they are hard to writer, per se, but they are hard to let myself write for I don't know how I am being perceived or what people will think of the self I have constructed.

Megan left me a great comment on my blog post from Friday.  She noted that writing seemed extremely personal to me and maybe the reason that I felt comfortable with school writing was that it, perhaps, didn't hit so close to home in terms of emotion and identity.  

Over the weekend, I read Lester Faigley's article "Judging Writing, Judging Selves."  Faigley writes the quote that I placed at the beginning of this blog post early in his article, discussing the different in the evaluation of composition classrooms over the years.  And I think Faigley's article ties into the reason certain types of writing were more difficult for me.  

Growing up with a very prescriptive understanding of language and composition, I just knew there was only one way to write a "good" paper.  So, I wrote my good academic papers with a respectful level of distance and reserve.  

But once I started becoming more familiar with teachers who required a process-based approach, I began to get nervous.  Assignments seemed too "up in the air" with not enough criteria to help me really understand what they were grading me on.  Writing what "I wanted to write" seemed scary.  I felt that the writing I was being asked to do was personal in a new way--for once I was even allowed to use "I" in my paper.  And when I looked back over my draft I saw myself stamped all over the pages.

You would think that would cause me to be excited--I was finally able to truly invest in my pieces of writing in a way that was personal and showed their value.  However, this was more terrifying to me than the academic personna I had taken on previously.  I knew who "Academic Carrie' was (doesn't that sound like a bad Barbie?) and was sure she would be accepted.  But I did not really know about this new, risk-taking personal writing Carrie.  She was vulnerable, constructing her identities and sharing her real thoughts, unedited by school.

This new Carrie liked the person that she was/constructing but she didn't know how others would perceive her.  Could the world of school handle her? Or would they buy into her writing because it rang more true.  What if she had chosen to construct the wrong self?  What if she had read the wrong writings and simply was creating herself in a way that just didn't fit?

Faigley's article helped me to identify not only how teachers assess their students' writings in different ways based on the identity they want the students to construct, but also why certain students may find higher levels of anxiety with some types of writing than others.  After all, students may not be sure that they are a poet, an essayist, or a writer at all.

Day 4 Reflection

I cannot believe our first week of SI has come to a close and that we only have one left.  The thinking we have done is really pushing me, and I am pushing back in order to make meaning.

This morning, Jessie's poetry demo really got me thinking.  There are some things that I've never identified with in the field of English, and poetry is one of these things.  I enjoy poetry.  I read it and it is beautiful.  But I don't write it.

I guess part of this is that I am still uncovering pieces of my writer identity.  I don't really remember writing poetry in school ever except for in the 6th grade.  I won a poetry contest and that was cool.  But for some reason, poetry is difficult for me.  Maybe it's because it is so personal.  Maybe it's because there's not necessarily a formula (although I suppose you could argue that some forms can feel like such).

As I finished up my digital project today, I realized just how interested I am in composing beyond the written word.  The literacy and rhetoric of performance fascinates me.  And based on my experiences, it really is something I would like to continue researching.  I feel like in terms of acting, it's often talked about as "tapping into" this person/character that's already out there existing beyond yourself.  However, from a rhetorical standpoint, it is clear that an actor makes choices about how to portray a specific character and how to construct their personalities, their actions, and even the way they decide those things.  Performance is a way of composing as clearly as writing is.

I really enjoyed Sally's workshop on the Socratic Seminar.  Sally, Aileen, Rashid and I really got into a great discussion about The Declaration of Independence.  Sally gave us questions that really caused us to think, but were open-ended, inspiring discussion.  It was great to see how the class atmosphere we have established enabled me to really speak my mind (such as saying that I probably wouldn't have signed the declaration if I was a person in 1776).  This classroom culture is vital, and I've been reflecting on what has made our classroom successful over the past few days.  I'm sure I"ll blog about that more later.

This afternoon was awesome.  The E-Gallery crawl was amazing.  It was fascinating to see what technologies each person had chosen to implement, but it was also very eye-opening to read each other's stories and understanding how we make meaning based on our histories as writers.  I am already thinking of ways to expand and revise my Prezi.

So, thinking ahead toward my demo next week.  Super excited about it.  I'm waffling between two ideas before finalizing, but I am excited about both.  We shall see.

A performer, but a writer?

Here is the link to my Prezi demo about my writing history:

http://prezi.com/yuh715psehpy/a-performer-but-a-writer/

Enjoy!

Poetry

Inspired by Jessie's demo about "Ars Poetica."

I don't know about the idea of Poetry

                                    MetaphOrs and similes in British accents

                     Why am I so scarEd of the unknown?

                                     I try to Tease out meaning

                           But become fRustrated at the unblinking words

                                           whY?

Day 3

Today was a day filled with lots of possibilities for the Summer Institute.  Stephanie did an awesome demonstration this morning about how to use Storify and the ways she uses it within her class.  As she presented, I imagined this as a great way for students to write their final reflections for ENGL 1101.  They could include twitter/blog posts, videos that we watched in class, portions of papers, etc.  It was fascinating to see all the different forms of media that can be used in Storify and the stories that can be told.  After Stephanie's demo, we talked about the ways to craft a story and to look at purpose within the context of Storify.  It was really exciting to think about the multiple ways Storify could be used.    


Later on, Melissa did her demo about writing into social action.  She started with a video of some of her kids talking about social action.  It was really inspiring to hear these kids and their beliefs that they are able to make a difference in the world.  As one of the 6th graders said, ""It takes one person to change something little and more than one person to change something big." These students awareness of the collaborative nature of meaning making was overwhelming.  They understood the power of a single voice, but also the strength that was added when those voices joined together.  I loved it.  LOVED it.  


When we started out writing our own social actions pieces, I kind of struggled.  There are a lot of things that I am passionate about in terms of social issues, but it was hard for me to narrow in, pick one and really think it through.  I'm sure that would have been remedied by having some more time, and Melissa did a great job in the short time that she had.  But it did give me a peek into the different ways that students might struggle to make meaning of or delve into a specific project.  


As I think about technology, I realize even more my lack of knowledge.  Not necessarily my lack of knowledge in how to use the technology but my inability to find the technology until it is already "old".  It's something I definitely want to incorporate in my classroom frequently.  I just have to come to grips with the fact that I'm a learner too, face my anxieties, and do it.  


I'm thinking.  And thinking. And rethinking. And revising. And Re-visioning.  

Day 2 Reflection

Today, I wrote a poem.  And I don't write poetry.

Now I'm not saying that I've never written poetry.  With enough coercion (and the threat of a grade hanging over my head), I wrote poetry for school.  I even won a poetry contest in 6th grade.  I was excited.

But today we were asked to do things that terrify me.  1) Draw and 2) Write Poetry.

And we had to do both.

However, I'm actually really proud of the poem that I wrote.  It's not earth shattering.  It has a very, very childish feel to it and a simple rhyme scheme.  But it was honest.  And I liked that.

It's amazing to me (as a teacher) the level of anxiety I still have about certain aspects of composing.  Poetry and drawing actually make me physically nervous.  My junior year of college we had to do body biographies and show them to someone via skype in our class, and I literally begged my professor not to make me share it.

And I'll have students that feel the same.  Students that it takes everything in them to get up and riff.  To speak out in class, to answer a question.  The riffing circle highlighted others' anxieties within the class and the responding even more.  We all have areas about which we are uncomfortable.  We all have "trouble spots."  And we as teachers can enhance or minimize students' anxieties.

Why is school such an anxious place?

The Mustnotshouldbe writer

The mustnotshouldbe writer cannot find her place
She think's she's doing great until grades smack her in the face
This is what she was supposed to do since she was very small
But the mustnotshouldbe writer feels only a foot tall.

She sits and stares at letters that mean far below the best
Though this is her destiny, she might just give up next
She struggles with identity and what herself to call
The mustnotshouldbe writer maybe isn't one at all.